West Coast

In about 3 hours I will be in San Fransisco. I always dreamed of leaving my comfort zone and traveling to popular places. New York was first on my list but I’ll settle for Cali. Just to think a couple months ago I was contemplating giving my life to someone who could just make my materialistic dreams come true. If you want your life to be complete in all aspects you have to accomplish that on your own terms, time, and way. 

This time I’m doing it my way. I don’t need to look for someone to give me what I want when they feel like it. The life I have discovered has no rules. There is NO right way to do anything. As long as you have a dream only you can accomplish it and only you can demolish it. 

Even if you kill your dreams it’ll haunt you. -j.cole-

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I still love you 

If I could I would say I’m sorry for the things I’ve done. For how I took advantage of you even if it was out of love. You gave so selflessly, that’s how I aim to be. Your stress seemed to be unbearable though you delt with it just fine. I’m trying to have a heart as big but my pride gets in the way. You were too amazing to pass away. It seems he wanted you up there instead of with me. Now I see I leaned on you instead of believing in me. 

Who is like you?

This life seems to be about who has what, who is doing what and, who you know. This world is only concerned with what you have and the worth of it all. I played into this game trying to acquire the best the world has to offer, pleasing everyone else with what I had, trying to be accepted. The best response I got from this experience was love, friendship, and attention until my material worth ran out. Never showing someone your true self gets you as far as the door with some people.

Sadly this world looks for people who can do something for them, not with them. Being your self is the best thing you can do for yourself and the people around you. No one is like you and you can always grow. Trying to be like someone or gaining what they have sets you at the same bar as those people. Humans play the monkey see monkey do game, always emulating others. You aren’t shit if you aren’t natural now like everyone else, or got the newest Malaysian deep wave, the newest Jordan’s (the same ones that come out every year), the outfit off the runway, or sexiest boyfriend/girlfriend, or the most competitive job.

Don’t be concerned with what you have or don’t have. Our worth is not congruent with the world view. Growing up I was told, “You are in this world but not of this world.” Meaning your competition isn’t outward its inward. Daily we compete with ourselves to make ourselves better. The main thing on our agenda should be to strive to be a better me, forgetting what mainstream media has to say about it. Be yourself, no one is like you. Took me a while to figure that out.

Ready for 2015

I said in the beginning of 2014 that it was my year. I started over fresh in a new state and new career. I didn’t know this year was the year I was going to find myself. I found disappointment, true character, likes, dislikes……most importantly I found love. Love for myself and love for another person I never thought possible. The one thing I didn’t find was the reality to a dream I always had. I can say through experience, this year was the year of finding a foundation. This small minded person has opened her heart to explore numerous possibilities. The truth was revealed in many situations and gave me a better perspective of life, my life. Spoiled wasn’t close to what I was. From receiving everything I wanted in my past to actually having to work for it gave me a determination I never knew I had. I don’t rely on anyone and never need to again.
Now that I see my dream while awake I am ecstatic. So many doors have opened up just because I believed. My creator made no mistakes in me and I had to understand that everything happened for a reason. Utah has been a blessing in disguise. Surrounded by snow capped mountains with no distractions, I am able to see the bigger picture. The world is beautiful and I am a beautiful soul ready to explore.

Letting Go

I’m not disappointed. I should have known better. Not everything in your life last. People change, situations change. When a person doesn’t answer your obvious cry for help its time to let them go. From the beginning it just didn’t seem right. Pauses and gold elephants in the room. Everything was just awkward and uncomfortable. People told me don’t go it isn’t going to work out. Of course I didn’t listen. It sucks the other side felt the same way and voiced it not once. I had to be in that situation to understand. Now that I know….. I know. No shade and no love lost. Moving on